New Year’s Resolutions: What to do when you feel like giving up

January 2023 was going to be different: That’s when you were finally going to “get healthy.” You’d stick to a meticulous daily/weekly/monthly schedule to plan, prep, and cook gorgeous, delicious, and nutritious meals from scratch. You’d exercise at least six days a week. You’d go to bed early and get up early and generally become a whole new person—a better, healthier one. After all, it’s “new year, new you,” right?

When the going gets tough…

If you’re anything like my clients, you accomplish what you set out to do. If you’re determined to make something happen, it’s going to happen one way or another. Plus, you probably grew up hearing messages like these: It’s important to finish what you started, all you need is to have more willpower and work harder, and that “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” If you grew up in the U.S., you’ve been bombarded with these and other similar messages for most of your life. Even if you grew up somewhere else, chances are good that you’ve still been exposed to way too much of it. It’s just especially terrible here.

It makes sense when you think about how much both the Protestant work ethic and capitalism (and it’s difficult to separate the two) affect our lives in this country. They’re so prevalent that it can be hard to realize that they’re even there, influencing nearly every decision we make. We’re simultaneously fighting for resources that are being hoarded by a select few and demonstrating our devotion to the system by working hard and keeping busy—too busy and tired to fight back against the system. And if you’ve been sticking with a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, you’re also too hungry to revolt.

[Image description: A Black woman holds a small head of Boston lettuce. She’s wearing a casual and colorful striped dress in pinks and blues, a silver necklace with a heart pendant, and bright pink lipstick. Her hair is a medium-length, wavy deep blue wig. She’s comfortable and confident in her fat body, and pretty dubious about the lettuce. Photo credit: Body Liberation Photos]

Speaking of hunger, did you know that most of what we’ve been told about willpower is wrong? Every time you resist the delicious-smelling cookies your co-worker baked, you don’t get better at resisting; you actually get worse at it. You feel worse too. And since research shows that we get more nutrition from foods we enjoy, you might as well savor that cookie without guilt. Much better than if you were to break down and eat it in shame later in the day or force yourself to eat something you hate instead. The same is true of exercise: You’ll get much more benefit from moving regularly in ways you enjoy. Remember, all movement is exercise—and in a capitalist society, rest is even more important than exercise. And there is absolutely zero proof that intentional weight-loss is sustainable long-term. None. Even if there were, weight is not an indicator of worth or health.

What if you’re already enough?

So if a lot of the stuff people make New Year’s resolutions about is bullshit, and they won’t actually succeed, then why is there such a push for us to make them? Maybe you’ve guessed it by now: When we believe there’s something wrong with us, we feel bad about ourselves. So then we try to fix ourselves, which usually means buying things, like diet program memberships, expensive home exercise equipment, gym membership contracts that nothing short of death will get you out of. When those fixes don’t work, we often buy other things to try to ease the pain. Think how many products—even companies—would vanish if we all decided we were enough just as we are!

Fixed it! [Image text reads: “When you feel like quitting, remember that it’s OK to quit. @ DazzlingSpoonsCounseling.” The words “why you started” have been crossed out and replaced with “that it’s OK to quit.”]

My wish for 2023, and every year, is for you to believe this: You don’t need to work harder or be better. You are already wonderful! You need rest and support in many areas. How different would your life be if institutions (government, health care, education, etc.) resolved to improve themselves instead of placing all of the responsibility on you? While we work toward building a world like that, remember that your worth is not measured by your productivity or anything else. You are worthy of care simply because you exist on this planet. Whatever your New Year’s resolution is, if you’re feeling like you want to give up on it, it’s OK to do that. Quitting does not automatically mean failure—and even if it did, it would only mean that you failed at accomplishing [fill in the blank]. It would absolutely not mean that you are a failure. You are not a failure; you are wonderful, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Thera-pets: Reminders that you matter

We’re surrounded by messages telling us that we need to be hustling all the time to get stuff done—excelling at school, advancing our careers, earning more money, buying bigger and better stuff. You’ve heard all these and many more, I’m sure. This “advice” doesn’t work for many people (and even when it does, it probably shouldn’t). But when you’re living with a chronic illness—or three or five or nine chronic illnesses—it really doesn’t work. And when you fail to live up to these expectations, of course you feel bad about yourself, because everywhere you look you get the message that you are the problem.

What if there was another way?

What if you aren’t the problem—what if the expectations are unrealistic and the standard is impossible for most people to achieve? What if you don’t have to keep hustling? What if what you really need to do is rest? What if you are enough exactly as you are? I certainly believe that you are enough right now. I think it makes sense if you feel like you aren’t enough—and I believe that you aren’t doomed to feel that way forever.

There are many things that can help you start thinking about yourself differently, and I want to share one of them with you today: Thera-pets emotional support cards from Kate Allan (The Latest Kate). A client introduced me to Kate’s work a few years ago, and I’ve been thankful for that ever since. She has such great messages (example: “Just because you feel like trash doesn’t mean you are trash”), and each one is presented with adorable animal illustrations (that particular one comes with a pink unicorn).

[Image description: A thera-pet card with an illustrated pink unicorn. Text reads: “Just because you feel like trash doesn’t mean you are trash.”]

Research shows that it takes somewhere between five and seven positive messages or experiences to offset one negative. This isn’t necessarily a problem, because you want to be able to remember that the spoiled food made you sick or that the hot pan burned your hand. It’s not helpful when the message isn’t true, though, like if you believe that the world would be better off without you—that’s why it’s so important to have reminders that you DO matter, that you are enough, and that it’s good that you’re in the world.

Find what works for you

I’m not affiliated with The Latest Kate—I just like her work. If it’s not your style, that’s OK! But I hope you find something you can use as a frequent reminder that you don’t need to keep working harder. You are doing enough—maybe too much—and you are worthy of good things.

Christy Reichert, MSW, LICSW/LCSW, is a feminist, disability-justice oriented therapist specializing in helping professional women who live with chronic illness and/or chronic pain in Oregon and Washington state. Learn how to become a client by clicking here.