Sexism in the medical system: It’s NOT all in your head!

“You get dizzy and nauseated because you have an anxiety disorder. You need to go to therapy.”

“You get migraines because you’re depressed. You need to go to therapy.”

“Your pelvic pain is caused by unresolved sexual trauma. You need to go to therapy.”

“You’re turning your stress into physical pain and sickness—it’s called conversion disorder. You need to go to therapy.”

“You absolutely, positively don’t have [insert literally any medical condition here]. You need to go therapy.”

You’re not alone

Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve been told that you’re too young to have all these problems. Or that your symptoms match those of a particular disease, “but that’s really rare so it can’t be the answer.” Or the classic: “It’s all in your head!” Maybe you’ve heard all of these and more—for months or for years.

These are all examples of how women are consistently overlooked, misunderstood, misdiagnosed, gaslighted, neglected, and abused within our medical system. (It happens to others too: trans people, queer people, BIPOC, and more—pretty much everyone who isn’t a cishet white man. And even some of them get treated this way too, especially if they’re fat.) Women and people who hold other intentionally marginalized identities are frequently told that their symptoms are caused by stress, depression, and anxiety (and often also their weight), which leads to their actual—and often serious—medical problems going undiagnosed and untreated. If it’s happened to you, know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t imagining it or “being too sensitive.” This is a systemic issue, and it is very much by design.

The truth you’ve been waiting for

If you’re still here, you’re enthusiastically agreeing with me and want to know more—or you’re skeptical and want to read all the way to the end so that you’ll be fully prepared to argue with me (it’s OK—I do it too). Either way, you’ll definitely want to read Doing Harm: The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick by Maya Dusenbery.

Reading that book changed my life. It offered, to quote the blurb on the back cover, “studies and statistics, interviews with doctors and researchers, and moving personal stories” that validated everything I’d already known in my heart to be true but for which I had no “official” proof. Look for it at your local library (I first listened through the Libby app before buying a hard copy to keep), or purchase it from almost any bookstore.

I have no affiliation with the author or publisher, except that I will be forever grateful to them. Reading Doing Harm early in 2019 inspired me to open Dazzling Spoons Counseling later that year so that I could support the people who have been hurt in this way: People who live with complex medical conditions, who, yes, do feel sad and anxious sometimes—but who wouldn’t when you’ve been through what they’ve been through? I started Dazzling Spoons Counseling (after working as a therapist in community mental health for several years), because therapy really can help—but not as a miracle cure for your pain or sickness. It makes a difference having someone listen to you and believe you (and maybe even help you figure out where to learn more about your physical health symptoms and what doctors might be a good fit for your needs). It makes a difference having someone on your side. If you live in Oregon or Washington state and are interested in trying therapy with me, you can learn more about me—and how to get started working with me—in the links above.

Christy Reichert, MSW, LICSW/LCSW, is a feminist, disability-justice oriented therapist specializing in helping professional women who live with chronic illness and/or chronic pain in Oregon and Washington state. Learn how to become a client by clicking here.

Mother's Day: When you had to parent yourself

I’ve been trying to write a new blog post for a few weeks. I have a couple started, but I can’t seem to get them to a level that is coherent enough to publish. Like many of you, I am frequently out of spoons. But I wrote this on my personal Facebook page this morning, and based on the responses I got, I thought it was worth sharing here too. Here goes:

I’m drowning in the Mother’s Day posts. I haven’t spoken to my mother at all in about six months; I don’t know if I will again. We’re supposed to take today to honor the women who raised us (slight tangent: If your mom really is great, why is it limited to one day a year?), so I’m going to do just that. I’d like you to meet her—not the person who brought me into this world, but the one who kept me alive this long. The one who taught me to cook for myself, to care for my clothes so they weren’t ruined after a couple washes. Who taught me that I deserve better, that my words and ideas matter, and that giving myself credit is not a sin. I’d like you to meet her—and you already have. She’s me.

Part of therapy is learning to parent ourselves—this is beneficial to everyone but especially for those whose primary caregivers were inadequate. This is not an attack on anyone (there are always reasons why parents did what they did)—this is allowing myself to take up space and take credit for getting to this point. I hope that doing so gives someone else permission to do the same. And having said this, I didn’t do it alone. To every woman who has helped to parent me (not in the ways you’d expect but in the ways that really mattered), thank you. I’m going to try to tag all of you in the comments.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. Lectures about being an ungrateful daughter? Mass unfriendings? Just silence? My digestive system, which has been raising hell since COVID-19 became a thing in our lives, kicked the chaos up a notch. I waited.

And then people started to see the post, and the likes and loves flooded in. Most of the women tagged said such kind things to me, as did other friends who wanted to support me. It was a beautiful reminder that vulnerability is one of the greatest strengths a person can have. When you are open about who you are and what you’re experiencing, you take away the power from those who try to shame and silence you. You shine in speaking your truth. As zebras and spoonies, we’ve experienced so much of this, including dismissal and gaslighting, so often we silence ourselves. Sometimes we have supportive parents who help us in this struggle; sometimes (as in my case) our parents are some of the biggest gaslighters.

Wherever you fit in the examples above, know that you are not alone and your voice matters. Whatever your relationship to motherhood and your mother, I hope you had at least a moment of peace and love today. And if you didn’t, please believe that you are good and loving enough to give that to yourself exactly as you are.

There’s also no shame in needing help to figure it all out. If you’d like to talk to a therapist, you can reach me here.

Christy Olson, MSW, LICSW, is a therapist who specializes in supporting clients who live with chronic illness and chronic pain. She enjoys making to-do lists and then ignoring her own instructions, and she really hopes the tales of the murder hornets are greatly exaggerated. Learn how to become a client by clicking here.